They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
