We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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