I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
