The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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