True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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