Your face is a jimmy john
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
