Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
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