omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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