cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
We had to coat check the pizza.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
