Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
