My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
