Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
