craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
my liver is dry heaving
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
