my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
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