I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Is it penis luge time yet?
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
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