And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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