I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
