Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
