i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
