Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
