oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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