so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
