so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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