At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
