Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
The air was thick with penises
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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