A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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