Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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