i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
20 People Who Caught Their Significant Others Cheating and Hand Over Some Major Karma
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
33 Memes You’ll Find Uncomfortably Relatable If You’ve Ever Been Through A Messy Breakup
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going