Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
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Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
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We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis