i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Randomize
