last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize