Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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