Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
We talked him into tasing himself.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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