Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
