Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
pray to the hookup gods
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
