just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
