Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
