too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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