There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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