Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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