I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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