literally had 100 drinks last night.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
