I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
