Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
