Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
