while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
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we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
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Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
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