I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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