Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
