that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
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