Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
