It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
