Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
