Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
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