Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
