i would punch a child for taco bell
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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