I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
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