if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
