Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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