Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Are we in a gay sports bar?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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